Forgiving the Unforgivable

Forgiveness is the life blood to freedom and joy

Conflict, betrayal, and neglect to name a few. They occur in marriages, friendships, work relationships, and at times, the beginning bonds between parent and child. It’s difficult to find peace with deep-rooted pains resulting from another’s ill-intentioned selfish actions. These pains lead to divorce, lifetime trauma, chronic depression, physical and emotional distress that seem impossible to cut loose. But how do we submit the consequences of unforgiveness to new freedom and joy without relinquishing our righteousness?

Forgiveness is the life blood to emotional freedom which brings us to define what forgiveness IS and what forgiveness IS NOT.

The clearest and purest example of forgiveness is that of Christ as He hung on the cross. Each Easter, we celebrate His resurrection over death and its significance of hope despite our prideful sins and unworthiness. He owed us nothing. The power was His to step down from that cross and annihilate all mankind with His judgment, but He didn’t. He came to this world to give love and life, not end it, for the long-term goal of an eternal relationship with Him in heaven void of pain in any form.

We as humans, though, find it easier to sacrifice forgiveness for a lifetime of conflict and despair. Despite persistent efforts to rise beyond past hurts and traumas, heartbreak brews a recipe for unforgiveness as the scars of betrayal simmer bitterness with a rich sense of unworthiness. Our pain provides a dark lens from which we view the world and ourselves. Worse yet, the underlying WHY bonds us to feelings of unjustness, unresolved resentment, and an erosion of purpose.

So, in question, is it the perpetrator or instead the victim who truly bears the sting of unforgiveness?

As a grief facilitator, I accompany many wounded on their paths to healing and am continually reminded of the self-limiting beliefs and strongholds that once blocked my personal success toward change. With each testimony, I witness stories of atrocities alongside unfathomable hurts. I then recall my history of eldercare, marital addiction, and divorce traumas that each placed emotional resentments and challenges on my focus to raise a highly functional family despite our scars. My anger and struggles spiraled a domino of self-sabotaging behaviors that eroded my confidence to build a sustainable future of significance, redirecting blames that entrapped me in a prison of mere survival.

Deep rooted animosities are human given callous, unfeeling perpetrators that avoid any meaningful consequence. Victims become toxic and emotionally stuck as they recycle their undeserved pains. While they crave confession and redemption, offenders often aren’t concerned with hurt feelings or righteousness. In turn, unforgiveness lacks change and ultimately rebounds the victim’s ability to heal while disarming their ability to experience meaningful joy as scars remain open to bleed.

Through years of personal healing and serving others on their walks beyond trauma and broken relationships, I discovered that choosing forgiveness relinquishes "the need" to control righteousness, therefore freeing one to opportunities for personal joy. We are no longer validated by our feelings of unjustness, but instead, we claim victory through our choice to let go, let God, and intentionally heal from a past beyond our control. And we chose LIFE.

Forgiveness is NOT:

·       A pardon for the offender’s actions.

·       A relinquishment of boundaries.

·       An invitation for recurrences.

·       Relief from the offender’s consequences.

Forgiveness IS:

·       Letting go of the pain inflicted by others.

·       A healing process of time.

·       A conscious decision to take hold of what we CAN control while letting go of events and people that we CANNOT.

·       A faithful act of obedience in passing judgment to God.

·       An acknowledgement that God alone knows our pain and is the ultimate healer as He unlocks the chains of unproductive resentment and anger to a life of purpose and joy.

Verse of Reflection

But He was wounded for our transgressions;

He was crushed for our iniquities;

upon Him was the chastisement that brought us peace,

and with His stripes we are healed.

-Isaiah 53:5-